My husband did not grow up in a Christian home or have an example of a Christian marriage. He was actually the person who led his parents and sister to the Lord after becoming a Christian. So, he learned about relationships and future marriage for the very first time at 13 years old when he became a Christian. When he was in middle school, he noticed that his church, Christian Life Assembly of God in Trafford, Pennsylvania, would be featuring a series, “Building Families That Last” on Wednesday nights in the sanctuary. Youth group was at the same time on Wednesday nights in another building. Because Larry had no training or foundation in this area at all, he went to his youth pastor and let him know that for the duration of this series, he would be going into the sanctuary with the adults for the marriage and families series. He was only 13, but he felt he needed to learn everything he could as early as possible, in order to build a family that would last. I’m glad he did that because a mere 6 years later, we were married! We got married when Larry was only 19. Our brains weren’t even fully formed yet, but we couldn’t wait to tie the knot.
Larry and me in our first few months of dating at the University of Valley Forge (UVF), formerly known as VFCC (Valley Forge Christian College.) In this photo we were 17 and 18.
Although he was very young, Larry had such a desire to make the right decision regarding marriage. One thing he had the maturity and foresight to pray for was a wife who had a strong prayer life. He says today that even in his high school years as he was thinking about one day being married, he knew that there would undoubtedly be disagreements or even full blown arguments where he and his future wife could not come to terms with things. He believed that when they might reach an impasse and he couldn’t get through to his wife on something, God could. But the key was, his future wife had to be someone who prayed.
Larry was physically attracted to me as I was to him, but more importantly, there were some spiritual markers along the way that were big signs that we were for each other. Early on in our relationship, God spoke to me that Larry was going to be my husband but I had enough sense to not tell him that. I stayed quiet about that revelation and pondered it. It was odd, however, that even before I had any feelings for him at all, God told me that he would be mine, and I came into my feelings for him later on. But there were things I did share with him.
I have always heard from God from a young age, and even moved in the gifts of the spirit from childhood, though I didn’t even realize that was what I was doing! (God would tell me things even in elementary school. I would get a word of knowledge or wisdom back then, but I didn’t realize that’s what it was. Usually I wouldn’t say anything about it to anyone and would just keep in my mind whatever God told me in my heart.) By the time I graduated high school and got to Bible College, things were different. I knew what it was, and I was well accustomed to not only hearing but following the voice of God, and I willingly began to share with people what God was telling me.
When I first met Larry and we were talking about basic things concerning ourselves, I told him my middle name was Lynn and asked what his was. He quickly let me know that he hated his middle name and never shared it with anyone. He said he would not be sharing it with me. He even went so far as to say that he had thought about legally changing it. As the weeks went on, he never did tell me what his middle name was, and said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I accepted that.
As our relationship continued, I prayed about him and for him. I knew that he came from Pittsburgh and that his parents and sister still lived there, however I had never been to Pittsburgh up to that time, and therefore, I had never been to his house. I had never seen photos of the house or heard anything about it. As I was praying one day, the Lord dropped a scene into my mind and it was him in his bedroom in Pittsburgh, sitting on his bed, studying. The scene was crystal clear and I could see many details about the room.
A few months after we started dating I shared with him that I had been praying for him and about him, as well as our relationship, and I said that as I did, God dropped several things in my mind/spirit. I said, “The first thing is, as I prayed, I could see you sitting on your bed, against a wall, studying. This was your bedroom in Pittsburgh. The room was small. It had a twin bed up against the wall on the left hand side. The bedspread was rust colored, with no pattern. In fact, there was only one color for the room, with no other colors as an accent. The only color in the room was rust, sort of like the color of a redwood picnic table. The curtains were solid rust. The bedspread was solid rust. There was a small dresser that was honey walnut colored with four drawers that was at the foot of the bed with very little space between the dresser and the bed. In fact, it was hard to even walk between the dresser and the bed, the space was so tight. There was a window to the right hand side of the bed and a TV that sat across from the bed. Oh, and by the way, your middle name is [insert name here].
His mouth dropped open, like WHAT THE WHAT??! He looked something between shocked, embarrassed and a little upset and said, “Seriously, how do you know my middle name?” He was so freaked out about me knowing his name, he didn’t even say anything about the bedroom for a bit. I answered, “Just as I told you, these are all things God showed me in prayer.”
He sat there stunned, taking it all in.
At that moment, he knew he was dating someone who not only prayed but really heard from God.
After dealing with the fact that I now knew the middle name that he hated, he told me that his bedroom in Pittsburgh was everything I described.
From that day forward, he has never doubted anything I said I heard from God. If I say it, he will take it to the bank, and to be clear — not because of me but because of the power of God through prayer, fasting, etc. He knows all that is very real and powerful, and anyone who takes it seriously can and will hear from God for themselves.
So, as you can see, prayer was an important part of our dating and marriage story. And it’s still an extremely important part, as prayer is a driving force for how we currently live, make decisions, as well as navigate the challenging parts of marriage and family.
Larry and me, a few months before we got married.
If you are a single woman who is dedicated to the Lord and has an interest in dating and marriage, there are a few things that come to mind that I want to share with you:
Ask God for His plan
Are you supposed to stay single or is it His will for you to be married? Jesus wasn’t married, Paul wasn’t married, some of the greatest people in the Bible weren’t married and many of the best people of God still walking the planet aren’t married today. Don’t get married because you think it’s the thing to do. Being single is a perfectly good path to take as well, and in fact Paul says that it is better to stay married if you can:
“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)
I am happily married, however if my husband were to pass away I do not know if I would get remarried, as I also realize that if I never remarried, I could fully dedicate myself to the Lord and His purposes.
As Paul goes on to say:
“Single people can devote themselves more fully to God’s work: “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided.” 1 Corinthians 7:32-34
So for example, let’s say I felt led to the missionfield. if I were single, I could just go, and I would not have to check in with a husband about it. If I felt God’s call, I could just do it. That is one big difference between being single and married…you are not autonomous and anything you are hearing from God also has to be shared with your partner and you both have to come into agreement before doing anything. Of course if I were having trouble remaining celibate, I would pursue marriage.
So the first thing you need to do is pray about whether you’re even supposed to get married. Forget about what culture tells you, forget what your family expects, WHAT IS GOD SAYING TO YOU?
Become the type of person you’d want to marry
So many times women dream about the type of person they want to marry, and have such high expectations, but have they become the type of person they themselves would want to marry? We need to work harder on ourselves than we do on finding the right man. When you become the type of person you’d want to marry, you will attract that type of person. So many times our expectations of others are sky high while we have very little expectation of ourselves. If you are praying for a man of God, don’t just pray that He shows up…pray that you would become a strong woman of God and strive in every way to be that. Let it be your goal to become God’s very best version of yourself and work toward that with all your might. The only way you find out what God’s best version of you is, will be to seek Him through prayer.
Seek God more than a bod
Some people believe you don’t have to be physically attracted to someone to marry them. That’s crazy. Don’t ever marry someone you don’t want physically. That’s a total recipe for disaster, because while physical things aren’t everything — they are nevertheless important in marriage. Being physically attracted to someone is good and necessary but more than that, what do you sense in your spirit about them? Do you see Jesus in them? Some people can fake it for quite a while so you really need Holy Ghost discernment about who they truly are. A candidate to date you needs to be more than just technically saved, or someone who believes in God. Let’s be real, even Satan believes in God. So, that’s a really low bar to set for someone who is a candidate to date you. Do you sense that they really, really love the Lord? Are they dedicated to Jesus, and to His purposes? Are they someone you would have to drag along spiritually, or do they lead themselves well? You don’t want anyone to lead you who can’t even lead themselves.
Seek the Lord all along the way
Don’t just seek the Lord before you meet them to see if they are alright to date. Continue to seek the Lord through the dating process and be open to the Holy Spirit checking you on anything. Be willing to leave the relationship if you sense any check about it. Seeking the Lord doesn’t end after you’re married to them…I seek the Lord as much about my marriage as I ever did. Of course I’m not seeking God as to whether it’s His will anymore, (we are already married so it definitely is God’s will) but I am seeking Him for current direction, strategy, strength, etc.
Listen to what God is saying and share as led to do so
Do more listening to God than talking to Him. Hear what he is saying about the other person, about the relationship, and share as you feel led to do so. If you are really hearing from God and the man you are dating can clearly see that, if they aren’t comfortable with what God is revealing to you, and seem convicted about it and get freaked out, they probably aren’t going to continue to pursue you. And you know what? That’s for the best. Let him go. You don’t want to be married to someone who can’t handle a strong woman of God who hears from God. Again, you don’t want to have to drag them along. It’s important that you not only be physically compatible — more than that you need to be spiritually compatible.
Show your partner what they can expect
Who you are now as a girlfriend sets the tone for what your partner can expect in the future as his wife. Be an uncompromising, strong woman of God. To be clear, my husband has never cheated on me, been involved in porn, etc. but I can safely say he would probably be terrified to do it. The truth is, he knows what to expect from me. I hear from God and more than likely on the same day he would do it, I’d hear from God about what he did, who he did it with, where he did it, and be able to read his mail the moment he walked in the door. Let any man you date know, you are a woman of God, you hear from God on a daily basis, nothing gets past you, and more importantly nothing gets past God! Hopefully this will set the tone that if a man is a lying, cheating, no good son of a biscuit ear, he will keep moving on and know you are not his person. I don’t care how cute he is, God wants to spare you of such a person. You are not called to missionary dating and you are not called to be Mrs. Fixit. You are also not called to be his mother. You are a strong woman of God who will be his wife, his friend, his equal partner, his lover, the one and only in his life. Don’t compromise on this.
What questions or comments do you have?
Can I help you in some way further that you don’t want to publicly comment? Email me at deannashrodes@gmail.com
My God this was so good. Single women need to be strong women of God. No compromise it will save them from so much pain.
Blessings on you.
Thank you Dr. Marianna! I always appreciate your kind words and anytime you weigh in. Love you.