You’ve Got to Hold On Before Letting Go (Processing Pain)

by | Jan 22, 2025

Someone once explained to me that Tylenol (or really any drug) doesn’t actually “take a headache away,” it simply numbs it for 4-6 hours or however long the medication lasts. To get rid of a headache, the source of the headache has to be gone, otherwise you have to keep taking the Tylenol to keep it at bay. Just so, the source of our emotional pain must be dealt with, otherwise we just keep medicating it with something to keep it at bay. 

We are often encouraged to “let it go” when it comes to our stress, hurt, pain or pretty much anything negative in life. But, in order to really let go, we have to hold on for at least a little while. We might believe we have let it go because we are not actively thinking about it, or talking about it. But often, although we are not thinking about it, we are drinking it away, eating it away, drugging it away, or numbing it with everything from sex to shopping. It’s still there under the surface, impacting our every day life, we have just numbed it.

There are many things I thought I had let go of but in reality I had not let go of them at all…I had just numbed them with my favorite medications of choice.

As a Christian, I have often felt guilty to hold on to a negative thought or emotion for even a second, so I chose to numb rather than to dwell on it for enough time to be able to process it and properly dispose of it.

These are some helps in order to really let go, and not simply experience a pseudo letting go:

Go to therapy

Yes, I’m a huge fan. I do it on the regular. and have no shame about it. A therapist helps me see things that I didn’t even realize I hadn’t really processed or let go of. Don’t just go to therapy — be all in with your therapy. Dig in. Face the hard things. Deal with your loss, your pain, your failures.

Acknowledge the pain

We can’t heal from what we don’t acknowledge. Maybe you grew up in an environment where you weren’t encouraged to acknowledge your hurt. Perhaps you were admonished to have a “happy heart” when you were in pain,  instead of stopping to actually feel the sadness. Maybe you were encouraged to suppress how you really felt, so as to not upset others.

When I was angry or hurt growing up, it wasn’t en vogue to say it. I grew up in a generation that was raised  by an extremely authoritarian style of parenting. This wasn’t really conducive to expressing your feelings. We were told how to think, how to feel, and that was that. As  welcome, I had a zillion things brewing deep inside me for years that hadn’t been all welcome to even come to the surface let alone be released. I am still dealing with some things that should have been processed decades ago, but they were not acceptable to talk about at the time.

It’s important to allow yourself to admit the hurt, and how it has impacted you. Ignoring it actually makes it linger.

Identify the source

Determine clearly who caused the hurt and pain. Was it intentional?  Even it it wasn’t intentional, it still may be very real, and should not be ignored. Good intentions don’t mean an absence of pain. Be patient with yourself as you explore what the source is, and why you feel the way you do.

Allow yourself to feel it

One of the helpful things I learned in therapy is, “You’ve got to feel it to heal it.” This is the worst part of the process — allowing yourself to feel the full weight and ramifications of the pain. There is no getting around it, over it or under it. You’ve got to go through it. This is where many people turn back and give up, because they can’t handle feeling the level of pain that is sometimes present at this place in the journey.

Feel all the things

Give yourself full permission to feel sadness, betrayal, anger, grief and more. It’s not unbiblical or unChristlike to allow yourself to feel these things. Again, it’s part of the journey, and specifically the grief process. Be mindful of your responses at this point. It is at this place where many people will try to distract themselves with overworking, overeating or other escapist behaviors.

Look at the entire picture

Try to understand other people’s perspectives in what happened, even those who hurt you. This doesn’t mean their behavior is excused, but it may help you in the process in some way. You may discover that none of it was really about you even though you got hurt. So often, we were the punching bag for things that had nothing to do with us. 

Share appropriately

Talk it out with someone who can be trusted — a friend, family member, therapist, spiritual advisor, etc. Sharing and receiving fresh perspective and encouragement from others is part of the healing process. I go to therapy regularly, however what I receive from a few trusted friends is also incredibly valuable. With the cost of therapy, unless you are among the wealthiest of citizens, you will not be able to afford multiple hours a week. But talking to friends for several hours a week is a possibility. I process what I’m learning in therapy with trusted friends who are an extension of what I receive from counseling. It’s so helpful! (You do have to be sure you’re talking to the right friends, though. Otherwise, this could result in a setback, or keep you stuck.)

Set boundaries

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean restoration. Forgiveness isn’t about re-establishing a relationship. It’s about freeing yourself form the hold the pain has on you. Clearly communicate what behavior is acceptable and what is not.

Take Responsibility

You might not have started it, but it’s your responsibility to finish it. What I mean by this is — we all have a responsibility to heal whether we caused the problem or not. Focus on how you can move forward regardless of what the other person does. You may never get an apology. Fortunately, that is not essential for you to heal.

Make it work for you

I always say if I have to go through something, I’m going to make it work in my favor. Make it pay you back! Use it in whatever way you can to learn, grow, move forward, and even to profit from. (Yes, profit from!) Things that help you arrive at that place are this: journaling, prayer, meditation on God/His Word, singing, writing, and other creative outlets. Spend time in nature, exercise, practice gratitude, and do other things that stir you in the right direction. Reflect on what you have learned through the experience. Look for ways to use what you’ve experienced to help others.

2 Comments

  1. Rebeka Johns

    This was so helpful and encouraging. Thank you❤️

    Reply
  2. Laura Elizabeth Flora

    Acknowledging the pain and allowing myself to feel it has been so hard 😭. Last year was a year of dealing with Unaddressed Traumas in my life…. I also realized many Blindspots and was pointed out that I lacked Boundaries and needed to respect them for others and use them for myself.
    “With 41 years of never having any and only working on them for
    6 months has not been easy, But I’m getting better in that area”……

    I have worked through some things, and have let those things go.

    But now with the loss of Ma,
    My grief clouds everything, and it’s hard for me to think, let alone breathe…

    I am so grateful for my Trauma Informed Therapist, My Last 2 sessions I’ve been able to just cry and talk about my anger over moms death and all of the emotions it’s brought up….

    However My Weight-loss Journey is at a standstill and
    I have been going to food for comfort and I am really struggling with this…..

    I pray with time and as I work through this, and not hold anything in, Like I would have in the past, that I will heal and be able to get back on my Journey, but right now all I want is a donut…. Sigh…..

    Reply

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