I’ve been away in Colombia on a missions trip for ten days now, and I’m coming home today! [Insert cartwheel here!]

I will be so happy to walk back in the doors of our home and even happier to see my husband at the airport. Being reunited after time apart is always anticipated yet it doesn’t always go as smooth as we would like it to. We have discovered that it takes planning for our reconnection to go well. Unmet expectations can be a source of disappointment, so it’s important to clearly communicate if our time together is to be enjoyable versus being on edge and irritable. It’s also easy for our time together to be hijacked by other people if we aren’t careful. Never was the adage more true that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

There are times spouses can be apart for good and even healthy reasons (missions trips, a girls only/guys only trip, a business trip, etc.) but it still doesn’t mean that it won’t take a toll on your relationship if you aren’t careful. Out of curiosity, as I was writing this blog post, I went to last year’s calendar and counted the days/nights I was out of town for work/ministry without my husband, and it was 63. Some years it is more and others less. These weren’t vacation days, or pleasure trips…I’m referring to work. I am a homebody and if I never had to travel it would be just fine with me. But, in this season of my life, it is necessary. Being away so much, I have learned that we have to be mindful about how we handle not only our time away, but our time together when I return.

Time apart can teach us a lot. Specifically, it shows us what we are missing when we aren’t together. As for me I notice all of the little things I miss, and if the separation goes on too long they morph into feeling like big things. Having breakfast together, laying in our bed watching one of our shows, having sex, or just being together in silence, are all things I terribly miss. When work keeps us physically separated, it’s easy to fall into a survival mode of sorts. Once we are back together again, quality time becomes not just a luxury but a lifeline to renew our relationship.

These are some practical things we have learned about making our reconnection after time away the best it can be.

Try to wrap up work before reuniting

Work that either of us hasn’t wrapped up before reconnecting will affect our ability to have time together. I am usually the one who is a bit more cognizant of this, and push myself to wrap things up before I arrive home. If I am away leading a team or speaking, I try to do some work on my computer each night in my hotel room and get online work finished up. I also return phone calls during layovers, or on the road if I’m driving. I want to have none of that to do once I get home. A trap that is easy to fall into is leaving something like a return call undone thinking, “it will only take five minutes,” but getting on the phone and discovering the other person needs thirty minutes or an hour of your time versus five.

Usually I’m the one texting Larry saying, “Do you have most things wrapped up in preparation for me to come home?” Larry always says he’s trying as much as possible, and I know he is. Still, it gets frustrating for either one of us when we’re craving time together and one of us has something else that still needs to be taken care of. I tend to get a little rough around the edges when this happens.So, we try to avoid it if at all possible, at least for a day or two. This means resisting procrastination on various things while we’re apart. Honestly, I’m exhausted when I get back to a hotel room at night. The last thing I want to do is work online from the road — but I value my time with Larry when I get home, so I push myself to do it.

Nothing fancy needed

Going away together in order to reconnect isn’t a necessity. In fact,  we prefer not to. When I return, the last thing I want to do is pack again and leave. What I crave is having my own bathtub, my own bed, moving a little slower, and enjoying little things like sipping coffee in bed. Spending money on hotels or going out to dinner isn’t what matters most. What really does have an impact is giving each other our undivided attention and having longer and uninterrupted conversation. Speaking of conversation…Larry rarely if ever turns off his phone and probably won’t do that for the next 24 hours, but… I don’t feel one bit bad about praying that nobody will call him, or that he won’t hear the phone or notice a missed call. [Yes, I’m truly praying for that and don’t feel one bit guilty.]

Clearly communicate your desires

We already established that when I come home, we’re not going away to spend time together. However, what are the expectations once I get there? This is where things could get dicey if we don’t talk about it. Larry wants to go out a lot more than I do, and if there isn’t a plan he’ll start asking me, “where do you want to go to dinner tonight?” [My honest answer is, NO WHERE!] We have to speak up in advance regarding expectations. For example, I let Larry know I’m not going anywhere this time until I have to leave again for my next tour stop. I asked him to order the groceries we need for home so I don’t have to leave the house and we’ll just do simple things until I have to leave again. Although I’m tired when I get home, I also need to try to meet his expectations as much as possible…he has missed me just as I have missed him. I need to make his desires a priority.

Take time to catch up

We have always texted and called a lot when we are apart, but when I get home we still have things to catch up on that one or both of us didn’t want to discuss long distance.  If something stressful happened while I was away, I will ask Larry how he feels about things and if he wants to talk about it. Listening and processing brings us closer together. We always want to talk about how my trip went, as well as what life was like for him at home while I was away. It’s important to listen with interest and not just talk about how a certain meeting went, but talk about the deeper issues of what we both experienced while we were apart. It might take a few days to remember everything we want to talk about. Sometimes I keep a list on my phone of things I want to remember to discuss with him when I get back, just so I don’t forget.

Remember to say thank you

Many times we take care of things for each other while we’re apart. Picking up a prescription, doing a project around the house, etc. It’s important to let each other know we are grateful for those things. And sometimes it’s important to thank your spouse for even giving their blessing for you to have a job that involves travel. Every spouse isn’t okay with it, and if you want to work a job where you have to do it, it’s a good thing to reaffirm how much you appreciate their understanding about it.

These things might seem simple, or even a given, that I have shared in this post, but I hope it helps someone. The last thing I want to have happen when I come home from a trip is that Larry and I would be irritated with one another instead of enjoying the time we have together. Thinking ahead and planning well makes enjoying one another more likely.