The Uncomfortable Trade Off Between Being Liked and Being Successful

I have never met anyone who doesn’t want to be liked. Most people I’ve met also want to be successful. (Believe it or not, a few have admitted they could care less about success.) Many of us want both. But what if the pursuit of one compromises the other? What if the choices that make you successful also make you less likable? (Spoiler: sometimes they do.)

Unfortunately, psychologists have repeatedly found that competent, strong women in leadership often suffer a “likeability penalty.” People judge the same behaviors differently depending on the leader’s gender: competence can win respect but cost likability. I hate that reality. If forced to choose, I’d rather be respected than merely liked — but what a price to pay. I remember the day I first read the research and realized that the more competent and respected I became, the less likable I might appear. I spent that afternoon crying. My husband was puzzled until I explained, and he simply said he didn’t believe it had to be true for me — that I would be different. His faith in me was lovely, but in my heart I couldn’t be certain this bias would skip over my life. It was painful to face, but eventually I came to terms with it and kept walking forward.

Today I want to explore this tension—why it’s often a problem, and what we can do about it.

The Temptation of Likability

It’s human to want approval. From childhood we’re socialized to seek the nod of our parents, teachers, and peers. As adults we want acceptance in our social circles, at work, and in our communities. Being liked gives us a sense of belonging and it feels good to be appreciated.

But being liked often requires us to compromise. To fit in we watch what we say, avoid hard conversations, and always put the needs of others above our own. Sometimes those compromises lead to warm relationships and fewer conflicts. Other times they ask us to sacrifice our true selves or ignore what God has placed on our hearts. We may hesitate to make decisions that could alienate people, even when those decisions are right for our growth, ministry, or career.

The Drive for Success

On the flip side, success (personal, professional, spiritual) usually requires bold choices. Leaders, entrepreneurs, and creatives reach the top by risking rejection. They take unpopular positions, challenge the status quo, and prioritize the greater good over immediate approval. That tenacity often costs them likability.

There is a real cost when likability is sacrificed for leveling up. Success without meaningful relationships can feel hollow. You may arrive at the place you worked so hard to reach and wonder, “Was it worth it?” I’ll be honest: you don’t always know how you’ll feel until you get there. I’ve climbed ladders only to realize they were leaning against the wrong wall. I’ve felt regret, and it’s been the counsel and wisdom of friends that pulled me through to the next, better step.

The Conflict: Which One Do You Choose?

It’s tempting to think success and likability are mutually exclusive. The truth is more nuanced. Often the key is balance.

Success needn’t cost your authenticity. True success is pursuing God’s will while keeping relationships that reflect your values. Authenticity attracts the right kind of people…those who respect your vision, even if they don’t always agree. Being likable doesn’t mean always yielding. Sometimes likability comes from integrity, honest boundaries, and consistent character. People respect clarity, even when it’s uncomfortable.

There will be seasons when pursuing your call creates friction. Examples you may face:

• A move that takes you away from family or close friends.

• Transitioning between ministries or workplaces.

• Raising standards for who you work with—settings that may alienate some—even though your aim is the long-term health of the group/organization you lead.

• Disrupting cultural norms or expectations, which can invite criticism.

For example, when my husband and I began our marriage and ministry, we operated in a complementarian model because that was the practice we inherited from family and church leaders. Over time, we embraced mutual submission in practice…we became egalitarians in how we function together (see Ephesians 5:21). Living that out publicly caused a stir at times in circles that weren’t familiar with or supportive of that choice. It was disruptive to the cultural norm we were raised in, and it brought criticism. But we have no regrets; we’re convinced we’re walking in what God intended for our marriage and ministry.

Making these sacrifices doesn’t make you a bad person. They may make you less popular for a season. But if you’re pursuing something that truly matters to God and to you, those sacrifices can be stepping stones to deeper satisfaction and, often, a truer obedience.

When you face the tension between being liked and being successful, I’ve found a few questions helpful:

• What does God want in this situation?

• What sacrifice might God be calling me to make?

• Am I willing to pursue this even if I lose popularity, or am misunderstood?

• Am I being true to my calling, or am I trying to fit in?

For me, the best path has been to pursue what I sense God calling me to and to surround myself with people who respect that journey. I’ve also found that being true to God and the calling He’s given me tends to attract the right people into my life.

Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever had to choose between being liked and following what you believed God was calling you to? How did you handle it? What helped you keep moving forward?