Have you ever noticed how one moment of hurt or disappointment can change the way you see someone—especially a leader?

My husband Larry and I were on staff at several churches in our first years of our ministry before we were lead pastors — he as a youth pastor and me as a music pastor. One of the pastors we worked under had issues of all kinds, including moral ones. These problems were never addressed to any serious degree, particularly by those in authority over him. Dealing with the knowledge of those underlying issues was hard, but so were the working conditions, the morale of the staff, and more.

Because of the problems most people were unaware of, everything in our minds became magnified. Because of the hidden issues, we saw fault in our leader even when it wasn’t warranted. For example, if he made mistakes while preaching his sermon, it was magnified. If he failed to communicate something, it was magnified. If he gave someone advice and we thought it wasn’t all that wise, it was magnified. Absolutely everything he did felt wrong because of the things we knew that really were wrong.

We didn’t realize how ungodly that perspective was until we no longer served there. It was much later when we experienced unwarranted and magnified criticism of ourselves by those we led that we realized how unChristlike and unreasonable this could become. We also came to realize as the years went on in our marriage, how easily we could become like this toward one another. If Larry made me mad about one thing I felt was unfair, suddenly the way he ate spaghetti was wrong. The way he prepared his sermons was wrong. Heck, the way he breathed was wrong.

Since that time, we have both realized how important it is to guard against the trap of baseless criticism simply because there is something else that may be well founded . A healthy leader can separate the two.

Are you struggling with contempt toward someone?

Maybe it was something they said that stung.
Maybe it was something they failed to do.
Or maybe it was a decision they made that felt unethical or unjustifiable.

Before that moment, you admired them.

You were drawn by their leadership style and abilities.

Above all, you respected their walk with God.

But now… something’ has shifted. And if you’re honest, that same heart that once honored them now quietly resists them. You’re still present, still showing up, still producing good work — all with a smile on your face…but deep down you see your leader through a jaded lens of suspicion, hurt, and contempt.

In Matthew 13:57, the people in Jesus’ hometown said, “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son?” And Scripture says, “They took offense at him.”

That offense caused them to miss who He really was. Because once offense takes root, honor is replaced by criticism, and discernment is clouded by emotion.

The enemy is good at what he does, and he doesn’t need to destroy a relationship outright—he just needs to plant a seed of offense. That seed, if watered by gossip, assumption, and unresolved pain, will grow into a lens of cynicism. Soon, everything the leader does is filtered through that one wound.

When I’ve personally faced this challenge, these are three things I remind myself of:

It’s important to guard your heart

 

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

This Scripture doesn’t say to keep a record of wrongs or prove you are right. It says to guard your heart. I have discovered that doing this is a full time job. It’s important to do because once your heart becomes jaded, even correction that is warranted can feel like control or even abuse. At that point, literally anything your leader does becomes suspect, and you begin rehearsing everything that is wrong instead of everything that is right. You talk about it more than you pray about it. And bitterness and resentment creep in and soon take over.

Like I said, guarding your heart is a full time job. Some days it may feel so overwhelming it seems like it’s all you have time for. Make time for it, because everything else you do can end up being for nothing when you are serving in the wrong spirit.

It’s important to pray more than you talk

 

It’s one thing to share with your therapist, spouse or a godly/trustworthy friend who is uninvolved with your situation. It’s another thing to talk to people while barely uttering a word in prayer. There’s nothing more powerful you can do about a situation than pray.

James 5:16b says, “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.“

I am not excusing spiritual abuse or any kind of abuse for that matter. (If you are in an unhealthy situation – and definitely an unsafe situation – it may be time to move on.) What I am saying is that nothing is more effective that you can do but pray.

Pray that God would help you discern truth, and not simply go by your feelings.

Pray that God would give you the mind of Christ toward the other person.

Pray that God would put real love in your heart for them.

There is a reason they do what they do, and there are many things about their life that you know nothing about. Pray that God would reveal things to you about the situation that are not seen on the surface. IMPORTANT: When God shows you these things, it’s always for the purpose of prayer. And the less you share with others, the more God will share with you.

It’s critical to remember that progress begins with your response, not their perfection.

It’s important to stay madly in love with Jesus

Jadedness, contempt and resentment often come when your first love has faded. The more time you spend with Jesus, the more He’ll soften your heart, restore your joy, and refresh your perspective.

In Psalm 51:12, the Psalmist prayed, “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.” This is something we need to keep asking for. It’s not a once-and-done.

Being madly in love with Jesus helps you to keep loving others, too. It helps you to keep extending grace, to keep serving joyfully, and to remember the reason for it all.

Remembering your first love helps you to also remember your own need for grace.